My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
