i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
