A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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