I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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