i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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