pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
