Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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