You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
