I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
