at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
