im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
