Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My butt remains clenched, sir.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
