i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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