Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
