You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
