does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
