life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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