I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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