im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize