Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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