u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
