Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So vagazzling was a success
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
