Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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