don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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