I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
