The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
