She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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