An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
