the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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