What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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