girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
