Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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