I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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