we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
