It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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