your parents love me but you hate me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
