smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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