advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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