So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
