i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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