is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
