Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
