When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
