my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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