Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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