i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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