What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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