I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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