I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
