NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
