I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize