my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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