its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
