Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All the doctor said was why
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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