the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
