I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
